Way to Live: Forgiveness
by Rodger Nishioka with Jody Kuo (age 17)
When a broken relationship tears you and your world apart, you have two choices for dealing with your pain.
1. You can hold on to that pain and carry it with you until your emotions explode or you collapse from exhaustion.
2. You can seek healing by practicing forgiveness, which will take the weight off your shoulders and help you hand it over to God.
Many people choose the first option. They let the wrong someone inflicted on them or the wrong they inflicted on someone else harden in their clenched fists. They may clearly appear depressed, but other times they may not even realize how much they are hurting. Their pain continues to grow because those clenched fists can't reach out for good new relationships. Instead these people hurt more, and often they hurt other people too. This choice may seem easier than the second, but it can be very destructive. People who hold on to the hurt may cope through expressions such as the following:
The perpetual victim. Perpetual victims habitually blame others for everything that goes wrong, including their own wrongdoings.
The doormat. Instead of blaming others, doormats blame themselves for the bad things that happen to themselves and others. People who respond this way will take full responsibility for their pain and the pain of others, even when they didn't cause it. They have low self-regard and often put themselves down.
The angry abuser. People operating out of this mind set have decided to hurt others before they can be hurt. Having experienced broken relationships, they carry a perpetual chip on their shoulder and want to make sure they are never hurt again. Angry abusers often demand and threaten, frequently getting angrier than appropriate for a specific situation. They may seem to be in control, but their existence is truly lonely and miserable.
The caustic cynic. Rather than lashing out at others, these people sit along the sidelines of life and throw darts of sarcasm and negativity at anything that shows vitality and possibility. To an innocent listener, the advice may seem well-meaning, but in truth caustic cynics want all attempts at health and wholeness to fail so they can say, "I told you so."
The denier. Another way of dealing with pain is to deny that it exists. After being hurt, deniers think they can just decide to get over it. This attitude attributes too little importance to the pain and hurt that truly happened, to the right to be sad and angry, and to the need for healing. Following this approach prevents learning from past mistakes. People in denial often have difficulty expressing feelings, appear stronger than they are, avoid conflict at all costs, and refuse to accept help.
The projector. People who cope in this way project blame for their pain onto a person who may have nothing to do with the real source of the pain. They can get very upset over minor issues because they are taking their own hurt feelings out on someone else. They often refuse to talk about what is troubling them.
Certainly there are other ways of holding on to hurt beyond these six, but these six types are classic responses for many people, including teenagers. Often you'll encounter someone who exhibits bits| and pieces of behaviors from all these types and others.
We could say of any one of these: This is no way to live!
An un-easy way to peace
Christians often pray a short prayer that eases our death-grip on the hurts we have suffered or caused. Jesus taught his disciples this prayer, the prayer known for centuries as the Lord's Prayer or the Our Father. One line in particular calls us into a way to live very different from the no-way options we've been considering: "Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us." When we offer this prayer, we are asking God not to reply to thewrongs we have done with punishyment or revenge or the cold silence of disapproval—and we are also declaring our willingness to move toward healing in relation to those who have hurt us.
This prayer is not for perfect people. (And who might they be anyway?) It's for every sinful one of us. We read it in the Bible, a book full of stories about those who choose evil rather than good—and also a book full of compassion for those who have suffered abuse and pain. We learn this prayer from Jesus, who brought the world forgiveness by suffering a painful death as the innocent victim of other people's selfishness.
Jesus' life, death, and resurrection show us that sin, pain, and death are not the end of the story (see The Story according to Emily in "The Story" (in the book, Way to Live)). After Jesus was executed, God raised him from death. The first words Jesus said to his shattered disciples as they huddled terrified behind locked doors were "Peace be with you" (John 20:19). And he has been going around saying "Peace" ever since, inviting people to let go of the wrongs they have suffered and the wrongs they have done so that they can live their way into a more peaceful future.
"Peace." This is God's gift to us in Jesus: "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 6:23). Even though we have sinned and fallen short, in other words, God is giving us a gift. No matter what we have done, our sins and wrongdoings will not be held against us. The web of relationships that was broken between us and God is now repaired by Jesus. Jesus can also help us repair the torn webs of our relationships with others and with ourselves.
Through this gift of forgiveness, God throws away the scorecard and declares that everyone wins. This gift comes from God to us. But it's not supposed to stop there. Those of us who have received this gift now have the chance to share it with others. We get to go around saying "Peace."
From Way to Live: Christian Practices for Teens edited by Dorothy C. Bass and Don C. Richter, copyright © 2002 by Upper Room Books. Used by permission of the publisher, 1-800-972-0433, http://www.bookstore.upperroom.org. Explore the website www.waytolive.org.
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