Packing Up Jesus for College
Grace Killman, Age 18, preached this sermon on Youth Sunday (May 17, 2006) at St. George's Episcopal Church in Nashville, Tennessee. She will be a first-year student this fall at The Tisch School of the Arts of New York University. Thank-you, Grace, for sharing your sermon.
Acts 8:26-40
Psalm 22:24-30
1 John 4:7-21
John 15:1-8
Good Morning. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Grace Killman and I have been a member here at St. George’s Episcopal Church for my entire life. I was baptized by Father Coleman in this church, I was confirmed at this altar, I’ve sung with the choir, acolyted, gone to camp, gone to Winterfest, been to Happening, staffed Happening, attended bible study, Sunday School and EYC. As a member of the graduating class of 2006, I wanted to share with you this morning what I shall be taking to school with me next year from the years I have spent growing up in this church as I leave the comfort of my home, my family, my school, my friends, and the comfort of this church community.
A couple of weeks ago, some wonderful mommies, along with Christy Beesley* and Mama Gene*, convened and decided to host a senior dinner, just to get the St. George’s class of ‘06 together and impart upon us a few words of wisdom. In his address to us, Father Spruill said something that made me stifle what I was afraid would become the funeral giggles. He said, “When you are packing for college at the end of the summer, don’t forget to pack Jesus.” And I (of course) get this funny mental picture of turning to some illustrated version of Jesus from my childhood, saying, “Come on, let’s go,” folding him up and packing him into my maroon rolling suitcase. But those words stayed with me, and I began to wonder just what they meant. When I leave the safety of my little world here in Nashville, Tennessee, what am I going to hold on to? What of this spiritual journey will sustain me through the next four years as well as the years beyond? I reached a conclusion that can be summed in two words: love and joy.
Love is a difficult topic. The phrase “All you need is love” was immortalized in a Beatles song, but when you think about it, truly consider what that means, the idea sounds ludicrous. “All you need is love?” But what if you have issues with love from the get go? How do you honestly trust such a raw and volatile emotion? The hardest thing about love for me is relinquishing control. My sister will tell you that; I try to tell her what to do all of the time. And I love my sister; she is my best friend. The wonderful thing about having a sister is that I know her and she knows me without any effort, there is a blood connection where no questions have to be asked, there is just acceptance. And it is exactly the same way with God: no matter what I’ve done (and it’s been plenty) I am loved. But still, I have such issues with giving over to that love and letting it lead me. I often fall into the trap of thinking I can control the situation, or another person. Case in point: I am passionately committed to theatre. I am majoring in it in college.
Unfortunately, the field is so highly competitive that in order to receive a BFA in drama one must audition for schools into which ten percent or less of the auditionees are accepted. Back in December, after my first audition, I had a melt down. The experience was awful. The other kids were caddy, the vibe was oppressive, and the auditioners were snobbish, smug, and self-promoting. Honestly, I was placed in a room with seventy-five other exceedingly passionate and driven individuals who all had the same drive and desire I had.
And a man literally sat on a stool in the middle of a room crossed his arms over a protruding stomach (kind of like this), looked over his glasses and said, “You will sing, you will dance and you will act. And then we will decide if you are worthy.” Well, he didn’t say it quite like that, but the point is that this man I didn’t even know made me feel about this big. He was the personification of condescension, arrogance, and self-importance. The car ride home was fraught with all possible thoughts of self-doubt. I was left with questions: “Do I really have what it takes to succeed in this field?” I was completely and utterly heartsick over the whole issue. The next day as I was getting ready to give my dog Missy a bath, I just cracked. I got down in the middle of the bathroom floor and began to pray. “God I can’t do this alone. I need help. I need to know this is the right thing.” And when I opened my eyes it was over. I was at peace. I could actually continue to bathe my dog. I doubted myself because I could not give up control. I was sick to my stomach because a man I didn’t know was making me feel like a peon. But the moment I acknowledged that I needed help, that I wasn’t in control, that at that moment all I needed was love. That is when everything fell into place. And that particular lesson translates to all walks of life and not only theatre.
God’s love is the love I need to survive. The kind of love where anything is possible and all burden is lifted. I am able to look into a critical and subjective reality of a world that is looking to tear me down, and stand on my own two feet through this love.
It’s a fact that the theatre reality, along with all facets of reality, is harsh and unforgiving. But through love I realize the truth of the path laid before me, I just have to trust and follow my guide. And why not? Fulfilling this role brings me such joy. Which leads me to my second word: joy. God brings so much joy to my life I don’t know how I would survive without it. There is so much joy in praising something that loves you so much that you are compelled beyond control to love back. There is one specific instance that sticks out in my mind that happened over New Years’ this past year while I was at Winterfest. To understand I need to let you into some of my lingo: I call them “a ha” moments. Like when you are sitting in church and suddenly something just clicks and your heart swells and there He is. It is nearly impossible to put into words, but it’s suddenly like a camera lens has just been focused through your heart and you can see it all. Well, it happened with a group of about sixty people standing on chairs belting at the top of their lungs (sings), “Shout to the North and the South, sing to the East and the West, Jesus is savior to all, Lord of heaven and earth.” There was so much joy in the room we could hardly breathe. No one could talk, we just kept singing. It was God. We were connected to what we were singing and we were connected to each other, to the love we felt towards God and ourselves and each other. It’s moments of pure joy like this that make all the times of doubt and trial worthwhile. That joy and that love combining in that room with that group of people is exactly what I will carry with me next year.
“Don’t take too long to find, true love transcends all time, in non-reacting, everlasting love”. I have sung these lyrics with regularity through my participation in youth ministry, but I think it is important to draw attention to their significance. “Don’t take too long to find, true love transcends all time.” Don’t take too long to find, and don’t stay away so long you forget. The love is there; it always has been and always will be. And through that love is the joy of journeying along your chosen path. [Editor’s note: Click here to listen to "Unconditional Love" by Donna Summer.]
Next fall, I will be attending the Tisch School of the Arts of New York University as an undergraduate student in their BFA drama program. All I needed to do through the last fourteen months of this college process was live through God’s love, and I did for a part of the time. But it took me awhile to find it. I have to remind myself this love is “non-reacting.” It is constant, never changing never faltering, never altering. And it is “everlasting”- so transcendent it applies to those before me and those after me past the beginning and ending of love. It doesn’t make it easy- in fact this kind of power can sometimes be the hardest thing to reconcile my own ego with. But it’s in those moments I remember that joy of faith—that complete and utter surrender where I know I am going to be safe and protected. And this wonderful faith I have been given would not have been possible without the support of our church. I mentioned earlier being baptized by this congregation, and in the baptismal vows y’all took an oath to safeguard and guide my spiritual journey. I stand her today before you to offer my deepest thanks because y’all have given me a future, and I offer these few words in return in hopes of reminding you what you have taught me. My thanks also go to the clergy and Mama Gene for always being their for me as well as the rest of the youth, and the EYC staff and volunteers for making it possible to have a thriving youth program here at St. George’s. And I have a special thanks for Christy Beesley. Christy is a wonderful person who shows me through all of her actions what Christian leadership looks like through her dedication, compassion, and guidance. Thank you Christy for making me a better person.
These have been wonderful years here at St. George’s and I wouldn’t replace with anything else. So as I begin the next chapter of my life, I will pack Jesus in my suitcase. Not the illustrated bible version, but the one of my heart which reminds me of the pure joy we all experience through love. I will keep in plain sight what all of this is really about and the meaning of my life in Christ, because “love is all you need.” Amen.
[*Editor's note: Mama Gene is the Associate Rector at St. George's. Christy Beesley is the Director of Youth Ministries.]
Click to hear an audio version of this sermon.
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